i got that good kush and alcohol.
— Unknown (via cdeeezy)
I just want someone to say they want me just as much as I want them. To stop looking at my past, my past doesn’t define me, I have made so many choices that I wish I could take back but I have changed and those mistakes made me a better person because of what I have learned from those mistakes. The person I am not is not the person I once was before, and if you wanted a perfect girl, look somewhere else, I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, If you want someone with no problems, look somewhere else. I am the same person you once fell in love with, you say you thought I was someone different, someone you had pictured in your head? I can do the same thing, imagine someone so perfect but guess what, then I will never find that person because the person I imagine in my head is not real. Continuing to tell me that i need to forgive and forget, to learn to let go, well guess what I have, I let go of my past, now its your turn, stop letting my past affect my furture, because if you continue to look in the past you will never get anywhere with anyone. its just ruining the present.
I have done some things I am ashamed of, but the part that makes me mad is that i trusted you with so many of my secrets and I trusted you with the truth and you turned around and threw it back in my face, and you chose to believe people that hate me, that don’t like me, that want to start shit with me because they enjoy drama, you believed people before me, you let them inside your head, and instead of defending me, you continued to just believe them, believe the lies. You ask me why? ask me why would people make up shit, guess what its because they do. People will make up shit all they want just because they can. Stop constantly looking at my past, have i ever done any of that to you?
Did i ever cheat? - No
Did I ever lie about anything important? - No
DId I ever INTENTIONALLY do ANYTHING to ever hurt you or us? - No
Did i love you with everything I had? - Yes
DId i do everything to make sure we were happy? - Yes
Did you talk to me about anything wrong? - No
and you reason, was because you didnt want me to be upset.
Guess what, relationships arent perfect,
you have to fight for them, you will fight with your other, you will argue, hell you may fight all the time, but should you compare it to your other relationships? No. why you ask because they are YOUR PAST relationships, not future not present, not right now .They are in your past for a reason.
Everyone quotes the notebook,
"They didn’t agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday…"
Well that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two second rebound rate and yoru back do doing the next pain in the ass thing.
i want you to look at me the way you use to look at me, i want you to want me.
Every part of me wants to hate you, to let go, to wish you were never part of my life. But part of me, can’t let you go, can’t forget everything that was between us. That part of me is my heart, it can’t stand to see you walk out that door. It doesn’t know what’s right for us, my heart doesn’t know what’s right for my body, my whole body, my feelings, and my brain and everything else.
falling apart day by day, till one day there won’t be anything left of me to fall apart, and there won’t be anything left to put back together.
No, I was good enough, I am good enough.
I am good enough
I gave away my heart 6 months ago, I fell so deeply in love with someone that I thought I would marry one day, and someone that I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I know what you are thinking if you are reading this, that this girl is crazy, and she is just upset and how could you love someone, and feel all of those things for someone you barley know. You are right, I am crazy, and I do barley know this person, but what I do know I love, and I can’t wait to find out more about him. Find out all those things that he has bottled up inside, and one day maybe I will and maybe I won’t. But I refuse to let someone like him just slip away from me, let him leave me. There are things we can’t control, and there are things we can. Timing is everything in life, but God would never give and take without a reason, he may not tell us that reason, and we may never know that reason, and maybe we will know that reason, or maybe one day we will realize that reason. The reason for the give and take. Sometimes people are complicated, and the reason for that is our past, how we were raised and the experiences and travesties we have gone thru in our life. It shapes us, even if we don’t even know it. I love with all my heart and want to surround myself with the people i love, because I have lost people in my life, people always tend to leave my life, sometimes they return but sometimes they can’t, sometimes they can’t, they have to wait till I have fulfilled what I need to do before I can see them with my lord and savior one day, and then sometimes I don’t want them back in my life because they caused all the damage they could, or the person I was when I was surround by them wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I know I am all over the place in my writing, it’s not like anyone will really read this entire thing and understand. It started out talking about how I gave my heart away so many months ago, because I loved so unconditionally and that no matter what that person does, no matter what they have told me, I will love them no matter what. I don’t think he realizes the things he has told me, and what I have understood, yeah people ask me how can you accept the things his past, well its because I don’t care about the past when I know this person is apart of my future, that meaning that we are together in a relationship or just friends. I have accepted so many things, even the fact that right now he doesn’t want to talk to me or be friends with me, and it hurts more than anything, i feel like apart of me is missing, that there is a hole in my stomach. it hurts so much. but some days i can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
i know this is all over the place and a lot of it doesn’t make sense, but I guess expressing my feelings in this form is so soothing and it helps so much. All i know is I miss someone so deeply, and not being able to talk to that person is killing me. it feels like death has hit but then I see him at work or wherever it starts all over again. I will never be able to just shut down my emotions, not wonder what I did wrong, he tells me I didn’t do anything wrong and I can honestly and truly believe him, and i know if you actually read all of this you are sitting here thinking that this girl just doesn’t want to believe and he is just playing you. well guess what, been there done that, i have been thru it all and hell and back.
I miss you every single day. It hurts, it hurts so much, i put my entire heart into that relationship, you were my everything and I saw a life and a future with us to the full extent. Its so hard to go day by day without you by my side and it hurts, it feels like a piece of me is missing, it feels like a whole in my stomach, in my heart. I don’t know how to go on sometimes because I haven’t been happy since you left, I haven’t been happy since you ended things. You promised you would never leave me and you still did, you left my life in such an abrupt way that took me by such surprise, because its the things we didn’t see coming that are the things that are strong enough to kill us. You said such hurtful things, to what? To get me to hate you? Why? You finally told me, you told me the truth so yeah I felt better, I finally knew what went wrong, what happened, and I understand now, so much makes sense to me, but at the same time, I wanna fix things, I wanna try again and you don’t want to, you aren’t ready to try again. That hurts because you can go on with your life, you are ready to go on and try to fix yourself and work on yourself and so much more, but I’m over here like how do I do this, how do I go on? How do I work on myself when I just want to be with you, how to do this without you. All I know is i love you, and I will always love you, no matter what happens between us, if we get back together, if we don’t, if we are always friends and remain in each others lives like we plan on, no matter what I will always love you, I will always be here for you, I will always be apart of your life, because at one point you were my everything and I was your everything. I know that things are tough and things will be tough but we will learn to fight thru it all. I don’t even know what I am typing anymore, it just helps. I can’t what to see what happens in the future.